Speaker 1: (00:02)
Bill, Can I help you?
Speaker2: Hey listen up, I’m bringing you the best content to ever exist in the door to door industry from sales leadership, recruiting, impersonal development.
Why would I need that?
Because never before have we been able to collaborate with the top experts in their industries, sharing their secrets and techniques and what makes them the best.
Speaker 1: Wait, who? Who are you?
I’m your host. Sam Taggart, creator of the DDD experts in Ddd con. Is there a place we can sit down?
We’ll come on him.
Speaker 3: Register today for D2DCon, learn from over 40 amazing speakers including the real wolf of Wall Street Jordan Belfort. Come as a team. Learn as a team. Leave as a tribe.
Speaker 2: (00:48)
Hello everybody. My name’s Sam Taggart with the D2D podcast and I’m here with Dino Watts, who has PHD, which is called Passionate Husband And Dad. He is a keynote speaker and consultant, and helps travel around the country.
He just got back from Australia. Yeah. Speaking on business and relationships. So bringing kind of the two together instead of, Hey, I’ll train you how to be successful, your business, but not successful in your family. And instead of all trade, teach you how to be a great husband but then make no money, right? It’s kind of bringing the two together. So he’s writing a book right now called…
“Making Love and Business Work”
Speaker3: Making Love and Business Work,
Speaker 2: And that’s what we’re going to be jamming on today, which is a very relevant content for our audience because not only is this job hard or we all competitive, are we all eat what we kill.
Speaker 2: (01:41)
So therefore if we, if we hunt harder and longer, we tend to kill more and get obsessed with that. And so we get in this spiral. And so today the big topic is going to be how to balance your life, your family systems to put in place. And one thing I wanna point out about dino is he is, he’s done it. He did Dora Dora, 2008,2009, 2010, and went out during the grind and Yuma, Yuma, Arizona.
That’s like, what, 155 degrees, it would be great. Yeah. I have a picture of the hundred 21 on one of the rate and about temperature. That’s when it’s the car door is the hardest door. Yeah. When you’re just like air conditioning, please work forever. So, um, no. So I mean, what’s cool is the background is, you know, obviously been successful entrepreneur and real estate and speaking and traveling around and done door to door. So a lot of this stuff we’re about to dive into is gonna be extremely relevant and super excited to have you on the show, man. Thanks. I appreciate it.
Speaker 3: (02:38)
Yeah, I’m glad to be here. And it’s funny you mentioned that about like you, oh, we kill like when you’re not killing right. And you have to still feed your family. That’s when it’s really hard, right? When you’re not killing anything and you’re out there, it’s like no. Everybody’s saying no to me, honey. I don’t know what to tell you about it.
Speaker 2: (02:55)
So you felt you’ve had those weeks where you’ve made them
Speaker 3: (02:57)
Oh yeah. Especially in my first, I think, I think I, I want to say I went two weeks, my first year without anything. Right. And I have no money. My were, were they living on a whatever, like 500
Speaker 2: (03:11)
The housing pay or whatever. And I got three loads
Speaker 3: (03:14)
Kids and my wife and I’m like, well I guess we’re all taking me around diets this week. Uh, yeah. So it was, it was a major struggle and that’s when your self confidence gets really, really low and you’re thinking man. And I was 35 so I wasn’t like I can live off of slim Jim’s and monsters. Right.
Speaker 2: (03:35)
It’s like I got three kids and rent to pay bills to pay and yeah. And I’m already feeling it
Speaker 3: (03:39)
Bad that I’m 35 and having to be out here, I just lost it. I was telling you earlier, I lost a ton of money and bad investments and
Speaker 2: (03:46)
Rght. And I cause desperation. Why do you dock doors? Cause there was no other option because no one else, no other skills. Well the bottom of the barrel, no one knows about back doors and get rejected. Yeah, I can do sign me up. No, I mean it’s funny though that I see that because it’s really like kind of how you probably fell into it and, and, and what’s crazy is it’s like where else could I go make in such a short amount of time and how did door to door really pull you out of that situation? You got any
Speaker 3: (04:19)
Politically why I am even talking to you right now, why I reached out to you is because I have such an immense respect and gratitude for the industry because when there were no options for me, when I was thinking, oh my gosh, I don’t even have a college degree, so how am I going to go get a job? Like I can’t go be, it’d be a substitute teacher. I can go work, I guess at Mcdonald’s. But to support my family and having this option, I didn’t even really know what I was getting into. And in one summer to be able to afford not only to afford my life, but to save my, my home. Like we were able to save my home. I was going into foreclosure and we were able to save it. Uh, I was able to get enough to where it launched me into the next year and then the next thing in my life. And then now, you know, 10 years later, I can honestly sit back and say it saved my life. My wife is grateful. We have, I have no regrets about going out door to door at all. And No, it’s cool
Speaker 2: (05:17)
Is, you know, you’ve, you’ve remained grateful for those moments I think. I think, I think a lot of people almost want to like hide those two years and now you speak on it, you know what I mean? And um, I think so many people are ashamed of being like, oh, I had to succumb to that loneliness of door knocking. Oh, I had this whole shame. I had told her when
Speaker 3: (05:38)
I was doing it. Like I knew it would be, uh, well, I just approached this in my life anyway where everything’s a lesson, right? Even when there’s the craps in the fan, it’s a lesson. And so I, I would, I would hit every door and just say, first of all, I’d say to myself every morning I’ll only need one person. I just need one guy that’s at one person to, yes. The other thing I would say is every door I would knock, I would say, I will talk about this from the stage one day I will tell people about this because you were always going to be binding speaker. That’s right. I was like, this is going to be my inspirational story sometime because I never in a million years thought I’d be here, but, and, and I, and I won’t say that I was grateful as I was doing it right when I seen it in 121 degree heat. Literally the day Michael Jackson died. I will never forget I found out because I just happen to look at my phone at one point, putting my hat in somebody’s pool in the front of their yard.
Speaker 2: (06:30)
Hey water. Great. Heck Great. Total hack. That’s great. If you don’t figure it out.
Speaker 3: (06:35)
That’s right. Yeah. Dump it on my head, man. I would, and I remember doing that and got, oh Michael Jackson died and then put it on my head and like I was not thrilled to be doing it, but I knew it was the next step for what I wanted to do. And of course the gratitude came when I started getting better at this skill and when I started understanding that this is a skill you have to learn. And when I started obviously being successful and getting more and more successful and seeing the game behind it, then the gratitude came and now still being upset back. I mean I would still working my side hustle while I was doing door to door just so I could believe I was, I was still going to be able to do it someday. So
Speaker 2: (07:15)
And now your admins gratitude and now your daughter does it now? My daughter does. Yeah.
“Like you’re not just going to sit around doing nothing”
Speaker 3: (07:20)
My daughter decided a, so she graduated school early. Shaxi started, now we can say this illegally. She started when she was 17 because he graduated early. She had done a year and at her junior year in high school in Brazil, if she wanted to be an exchange student. So she did that, came back, did not like high school and the vibe of high school at all. And so she graduated early and I was like, well, you got to do something with your life. Like you’re not just going to sit around doing nothing. And she said she wanted to do door to door. Did some friends.
Speaker 2: (07:49)
Yeah, I was gonna say, where are you an advocate of that or helped motivate that? Oh yeah, actually, yeah, I was curious like, you know, some people also, you know, dad being like, my dad did door to door in college and he was, he was a semi advocate, you know, he’s like, do what you want. It’s a hustler. I know you’d be good at whatever. And um, but it’s interesting, like my sister did it and my parents were a little bit more like, you know, cautious. They’re like really? Like, well, I made sure she had mace on her. Yeah. Like I said, that’s why I say that like Emily grabbed your peppers. Yeah, totally. Yeah, absolutely. She, I was, I was supportive because
Speaker 3: (08:22)
Obviously hindsight, I know what character builds and if I can, I mean any tool I can get my kids to grow and strengthen themselves. Right. As a, as a 17 year old, almost 18 to be able to say, hey, this is going to give you a skill. You will always be able to use it. Yes. She can learn how to sell now. She can always, she’ll never have to worry about if something happens, heaven forbid to her husband or if she gets a divorce, whoever it shall always be to use this skill. Oh. So and, and she also wanted to travel a lot and I was like, well, if you want to travel like this is the way to do it. Yeah. You work for five months. And that’s exactly what she’s done. She has, she had it her first year. She struggled a bit with our first office, uh, had to move out and moved offices and killed it there.
Speaker 3: (09:07)
I mean killing it for an 18 year old when she was making, I think she made 40 grand like as an 18 year old in their own right. I was just talking, she just got married two months ago and her and her husband, they didn’t have the best this last summer because they’re all worried about the wedding plans and they got, it was trending on the subject of distraction and your relationships, but um, they didn’t, they, I mean they collectively made I think 60 grand and I went, you know, when I got married I was $5,000 in debt because I put my honeymoon on a credit card. Right? Like I had no money so that you’re starting with 60 grand,
Speaker 2: (09:40)
Come on. Young married couples that do this job and I’m like, you stink. You don’t, I didn’t have to go through like, how are we going to afford, you know, top ramen this week, you know exactly where most, it’s like, oh, newlyweds, how is totally. Then I want that to lead us into the relationship.
As, it was funny though, speaking of kind of parents, you know, motivating their kids to learn this skill. I had a guy hit me up and he’s a regional out of Idaho, does satellite. He’s, he’s like, Hey, can I get a ticket for a door door come, but I want to bring my son. And I was like, Oh, you know, his son’s probably, what, 10 or something.
But then I, this is my response, this was my reply. I go, is he an aspiring door to door, you know, professional. And he’s like, of course, you know, I was like, as long as he’s going to grow up to be a door to door sales guy. And, but it’s funny cause he was like, you know, we started this conversation and it was like, man, like I want to force my kids to at least do it for a summer or a year. Just for the simple fact of the skillset that you learned.
Speaker 3: (10:36)
So I’m telling you if my, so my son, my youngest, he’s in the army and if he wasn’t in the army I’d be like, go get, go get your degree of the door to it. Exhibit. Absolutely. I mean armies bad enough and what he’s going, yeah,
Speaker 2: (10:49)
I was going to say I, yeah, I met a guy, it was funny, we were on the plane coming home from Kansas last week and you know, I was like, I recognize you and I and, and I was like, I know you from somewhere. Do I know? He was like, yeah, I did vivant for like six years, your same tag or whatever. And I was like, oh, okay. Like I knew I had seen your face around. Right, right. It was like, what, what are you doing now? He’s like, I’m in the military. He’s like, I’m training to be a green baret. And I was like, oh wow. Like so doors to green baret eyes. Like, so he’s like, yeah. And then like a year and a half in and it was just like, man, that is another crime that I probably will never understand is Greenbrae training.
Speaker 2: (11:24)
He’s like, yeah, different animal. Anyway, so let’s transition. So one, obviously I’m super grateful for you coming and speaking it jarred Orrcon and supporting this movement and we’re honored to have you there. Man. I, I, I think that this message, like I was adamant about having some type of relationship, marital, um, support and just think, it’s almost like if we could have a door to door support group or hotline that we could call every week and be like, Hey man, I’m on the couch again. I’m telling you. Right. I mean, there’s been many times where I’ve been verge of, I mean this morning I still get it. Like I have the worst ups and downs in my earlier this shit, but it’s like my life was like, I wish we could live like normal people. I, you know, any time, normal, normal. And I’m like, and our conversation yesterday was, I hate to break it to you babe. I’m not built normal.
Speaker 3: (12:18)
Yep. This is just what you got, any of this getting into it, right?
Speaker 2: (12:21)
Eggs. And I said, no, I’m wired this way in her and I want to talk on this because it’s so, it’s so right now for me. And I’m like, well, if we’re going to get a phd of relationships here, let’s do this yesterday. The conversation, and she listens. She never listened to my podcast. That’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. I have a best selling book in my wife’s. Never read my mom read half mine. It’s just like you’re scamming people. And I was like, no. She’s like, wow, I didn’t realize that my Luther would if like sales psychology is. And I was like, man, it’s like, oh dude. Anyway, but I, uh, what was I gonna say? So, so we bring up this thing and she’s like, you always said, you know, oh, once the summer’s over, we’ll have time. And then once the preseason pushes over it, and then once did he cones over and once, you know, and I was like, man, that is kind of true.
Speaker 2: (13:10)
Like I was kind of having these weird sprints. And then I’m like, I came to the conclusion of our conversation. I was like, yeah, once we’re dead, you know, I think I’ll have a downtime of like not wanting to be ambitious. You know what I mean? It wasn’t, it was like, I was like, oh, I just realized that, you know, yesterday, you know, Sunday. And I was like, oh, kind of board, you know? So I start cleaning and I deep clean the house and I was like, I realized that this how I’m wired. And I think how a lot of salespeople and entrepreneurs are wired is if we don’t feel like we’re being productive and getting some kind of result that we’ve filled that time with something. Right. So anyway, what are your thoughts on that? I, let’s have our own little, yeah, well a couple of things. Things
Speaker 3: (13:50)
That you mentioned, right? Like your wife was basically, I think it’s interesting that a lot of us, even guys and gals to the same thing, and sometimes it might be a little heavier on the guy’s side, that they don’t actually pay attention to this, is that in a relationship they’re always going to tell you how you can make them happy. Right now obviously ultimately you can’t make them happy but they’re always going to tell you what they’re asking for and it’s up to you to decide, okay, am I going to pay attention to that? Am I going to do something about it or not? And that’s the or not is where the trouble happens, right? Yeah. Cause it’s where they feel ignored or and not paid attention to or feel like they’re less than or there’s any even contempt for what they’re asking. And those are really challenges in marriages, especially contempt.
“let’s define what time is and what do you need”
Speaker 3: (14:32)
Contempt is been shown over and over again and studies to show that if you put your wife or they feel like they’re being put in contempt or husband in contempt, then they will eventually choose out because no one likes to feel less than at anytime. Right. And that’s what you do when you put somebody contempt. It’s for whatever reason, you’re feeling less than. So you put yourself above them and them feel less than. So when your wife says, hey, you said after door to door con or whatever, we’d have time. Well what a great way to say, okay, let’s, let’s define what time is and what do you need.
Speaker 2: (15:03)
Right. See, and that’s probably where I disconnect because I go, I want to get defensive and I want to be like, well, we just went to Bali for two. Yeah. I’m like, come on, do it for free. Yeah. I mean I wanted to get defensive in that moment of just lies, especially do that. I’m like, what do you mean like time? Like, I could pull out my calendar and I could show you the time slots that, you know, I was like, here’s date night, here’s this, here’s this. And it’s like, I think the problem is I wasn’t listening how she, you know what I mean? Like I wasn’t yeah,
Speaker 3: (15:32)
Clear on what is time. Yeah. What do you need? What do you really do you need like a day at the spa without the kids? Do you need like what is it? And that way you can have clarity on it because clarity is power in a relationship. And that’s where a lot of people fail is they don’t get clarity on, well what are you asking for? Guys do this right. When, so, uh, I dunno. I how, like how Radu you want it again?
Speaker 2: (15:55)
Okay. I’m talking like, let’s talk about penises.
Speaker 3: (15:58)
Okay. That was going there. All right, so here’s the deal. A lot of guys talk about their, uh, their unmet expectations in the bedroom. Yeah. Well, a lot of guys don’t talk about what they really want in the bedroom when their wife has been with their kid for the next, you know, for that. And, and especially door to door, right door to door for guys, especially having that stress release at the end of the night to be able to say, hey, I want to go make love to my wife just cause I want to get the stress out of my life. Right. And it gives me a reason to rejuvenate, to get back into them. And literally scientifically the chemicals in the brain are rejuvenating. So it’s really important to do that. But if you go to your wife and she’s been dealing with the kids for all day long and they’ve been screaming or sick, like your kids are sick and whatever, to be able to say, hey, can we go have sex?
Speaker 3: (16:39)
And she’s like, are you freaking kidding me? Like I don’t feel that way. You’re asking for a very generalized what sex is. Whereas when you can actually have a conversation about putting a label on it. So my wife and I actually have a program that we talk about, uh, with couples where we say, okay, well let’s, let’s acquainted to food and let’s give it a meaning behind it. So, hey hun, like I like to have sex. And she says, well, do you want like fast food? Do you want a home cooked meal? You want gourmet? Like what are you looking for here? So therefore she, she understands. Know what you want because liberty, it’s a lot of times this guy is like, yeah, it’s gonna be a quickie. Let’s go for it. That’s fine. But other times we’re asking for no man, you haven’t had lingerie on and forever and she’s gone, I don’t have time for that.
Speaker 3: (17:22)
Like, what are you talking about? But when you can actually clarify it, yeah. And she can say, all right, well I have time for a fast food meal or quickie tonight. Or if you can wait till tomorrow, we can have a little more home cook. We can have a little more time and to get into it now all of a sudden there’s a negotiation. Like what is sales is all about. Right? And so now there’s a negotiation and you both feel like you’re a part of it because you get the chance to say, no, I just need sex. I will have a quickie. Right. Or you know what? Okay, if we’re going to have a guarantee here to tomorrow, we’re going to have more cool. Now there’s clarity and that’s where that whole expectation, all my expectations are never met. Well, it’s because you’re not telling her what the expectation is. Now this works the other way too with wives, right. To be able to say, what do you mean time? Like what do you need from me? Well, I just need time to be alone to go do, I haven’t gone shopping for myself by myself and a month I need three hours by myself. Oh, okay. We can let that happen.
Speaker 2: (18:18)
Right. You were telling you about
Speaker 3: (18:20)
Yes, exactly. Yeah. So that clarity is so powerful. And the relationship that usually doesn’t happen and tell all the bad stuff piles up and the crap hits the fan and somebody threatening something, somebody is crying and then all of a sudden we pay attention because there’s an alarm happening. And instead of getting to that point, let’s get to the place of where we can have clarity and then everybody can understand. And that’s, that’s the most powerful thing in a relationship. We are going to have that clarity of understanding. Because when you said that, and that I’ll touch on this part too, is you said this is how I am, this is how he’s wired. You’re absolutely 100% right and it’s how she is and how she’s wired.
And you both knew that. So there’s this really interesting thing that happens in a relationship where that perspective will shift, but the personalities will stay the same. So if you were dating, so let’s just say your wife is dating you. When you guys were dating, you are like, you were funny in her mind, you were following these multiple conversations. Like all of a sudden you were funny, right? I was curious. So funny. And you were like, Oh, you’re this spontaneous, and she’d love that about you and now you’re like, so you know, you’re so sarcastic and you’re so like unreliable, but that’s what you’re married. Like you knew that and that’s not, nothing’s changed. Perspective
Speaker 2: (19:39)
Was just you took my sarcasm is funny. Now you take it as right. Demeaning.
Speaker 3: (19:44)
Right. And it’s like, okay, well let’s talk about the clarity of that. And there’s, there’s something about growth, right? Like we’re not the same people were were when we were 20 and 25 whatever we got married. But the perspective of that is no, it’s not a negative just because your perspective changed. It’s just, Oh, now we’ve got to have new clarification on what that means and how I can adjust to that because life is about adjustment. Because
Speaker 2: (20:07)
I literally was trying to explain, I was like, we’re looking at it at different lenses. Like I’m looking at it like you’re saying we didn’t, we haven’t ever spent time together this year. And I’m like, yeah, I’ve traveled a lot. But I’m like, we’ve also been on seven trips and I’m like, go to the normal life that we talk about. Right. The the other side. So He’s, and I’m like, yeah, look at them. And I’m like, when do they get to go to Asia for a month, right? Like when did they get to go do these things that we’ve done? And I’m like, but yes, I’m not, there might be times where I, I, I’m gone for an entire three days in a row where, yeah, they’re home for a four hour window at night every night. And it’s this Deja Vu game. And I was like, but it’s just perspective because they’re looking at our lives on Instagram and we look like the bucket list fan and like sitting there going, I wish we could travel. And they’re, and they’re, they’re, they’re drooling over our lives. And it’s like, I think I’m like, we just have to look from a grateful perspective that we’re here and we love each other. And you know what I mean? It was just a hard, like I was almost trying to feel like I was selling her on this like perspective and I was like, but I shouldn’t have to sit here and try to sell you.
Speaker 3: (21:17)
Well you, we all do that. Right? Like she does that too. And I’m sure she does. I want you to sit there talking about like all the stuff she’s done with the kids and stuff like that and you’re, and you get the benefit of that, right? You get the benefit of coming home and then running up and daddy at the door. Right. And she’s like, I’ve been here on the day. What? I didn’t get no daddy and mommy like, but we all have that different perspective and it’s, it’s really, I think it’s important to look at it and say, all right, when she, when you’re able to say, well we get this thing, we get that thing. You know, a lot of times it’s really easy to point out all the, all the, the reasons why we’re right. Okay. As opposed to looking for a moment of, Huh, they might have a point to this.
“Someone’s had that problem and was able to figure it out.”
Speaker 3: (21:58)
Like, it’s not about the trip. Cause when you’re on the trip, like maybe there is, and I’m not saying I wasn’t on a trip with you, uh, but maybe there’s a point where she’s going, yeah, but even on the trip, you were on your phone for 12 hours, right? Or there was an emergency that came up and sometimes we want to be the urgency, right? We want to be the one that’s all the focus. And I do this thing where I talk about, uh, doing this whole, um, but you don’t understand. Like when everybody says that to me and they start off with it, but you don’t understand, you just want to lot, it’s like the height of Ego, right? Dude, you don’t understand because someone in the world’s gone through this and been able to figure it out. Someone’s had that problem and was able to figure it out.
Speaker 3: (22:44)
So are you just saying that you’re better than that person? Like your thing is better than that thing that you don’t understand? Yeah, I know. I don’t have to understand and nobody has to understand, just get through it. Like figure it out in a relationship. It’s real easy to be like, but honey, we went on these trips and, but I have this wonderful house and there’s actually a really cool interview if you look it up on Facebook with uh, with will Smith and his wife does, Jada Pinkett does this thing called red table talks and it’s him at the table talking and he’s talking about how he was so offended because he built this amazing life for Jadah and she wasn’t happy. And she’s saying, I don’t want this and this doesn’t make me happy. He’s like, what are you talking about? I had this amazing houses, amazing.
Speaker 3: (23:28)
Mantua there’s beautiful life. We can go anywhere in the world. Think of all the other people who don’t have that right type thing. And she’s like, yeah, but that’s not for me. You’re saying it’s for me. It’s for you. It’s your ego that’s being fed. It’s not for me. And he was like, oh, like it doesn’t get him because he was gone. Damn, she’s right. I was building up all this stuff, my, my career, all of the things I was doing, this house, everything so that everyone else would be able to see, look what will is doing for Jaden. And when Jadah is going, I don’t care. I don’t care about that. It’s an attack on his ego. And for me, hearing that, I just went, ah, I’ve totally done that in my own life. Totally. And it’s so funny. We do these, why exercises?
Speaker 3: (24:17)
What’s your holy cause? What’s your default answer is because I want to have a great family know or they go the ego too. Like I did that same exercise with some of my clients and, and, and, and I do it, I actually, this weekend I’m doing a sales training and I did this whole sales training with these ladies and I’ll say, why? Why do you do what you do? Oh, because I’m a people person and I love people. I’m like, that’s such an ego, right? Like gimme a break. Now why do you do now when you get into it and you get deeper and deeper? So my why, I know my why and my life. My why is because I never want to see an eight year old kid standing on a sidewalk watching his father, a pack up his Honda, Honda civic hatchback and drive away from his home.
Speaker 3: (24:59)
Well that’s what I was, I was at eight year old kid and I watched my father drive away from our home and leave my parents and divorce and leaving my family university to say that’s why I do what I do now. It seems so weird. Like that’s what does that, well it was because I understood that my parents didn’t know how to understand it, understand relationships to where they could be better in their relationships. And so therefore I didn’t have to go through the pain of being a kid of divorce. Right, right. And so that leads me to understand that relationship more and that understanding relationships helps me understand sales better because I know how to connect with people better and build rapport better at people. And that helps me be on stages better. It helps me grow people’s companies together. Like there’s a, that’s my why.
Speaker 3: (25:41)
And so when people don’t get that, they come up with all this egotistical stuff. Now that’s also a part of healing my past, right? And now I’m told I’m so grateful I am so, I have made so much money off my parents’ divorce. It’s ridiculous, right? Like I use that story. I use that while I’m like, dude, thanks for motivating me. I write thanks data. I know I’m not giving you a commission off of this, but basically because you were an idiot. You know I have an amazing career and people pay me a lot of money to help them with theirs. Like that’s, that’s how I have to look at now. And yet the why is that little boy standing on the sidewalk. So we got to get to that place. And when you get to that place in your relationship, that’s where my relationship works is because I never wanted that.
Speaker 3: (26:24)
So what do I do? I make sure that I have systems in place from my relationship to where my wife and I communicate. Even when I’m an edit. Now I’ll admit whenever this is people here, this is whatever. This morning, I was a total complete idiot to my, to my wife, complete idiot to where still I need to go and apologize for something that I did. And we have systems for that. Like I, she knows I’m an apologize. I know. I’m gonna Apologize. I know I was an it and I know when she does it, she’ll do the same
Speaker 2: (26:52)
Think of systems. Let’s talk about systems. That business, it’s all about system. That’s right. When you can automate, you can setup ties, you can plan for. Yup. So I think a lot of times we, you know, are so good at systems and our business and we just think marriage, and I’m speaking for myself and, and, and I’m trying to speak in their sense of, but you’re speaking right for a tiny guys. I guarantee. And if you’re out there listening to this, be like, but you don’t understand. Mine’s different like special though. Like, I’ve, I’ve, I’ve met and worked with and friends and you know, I just had a friend go through a big deal horse and I’m like, Oh man, I’d been close, but Jeez, I can’t, I’m committed. You know, I buckled down, but I’d like, I’m committed to saying what systems am I missing because heck, I have no systems. You know, I’m winging it. I’m pulling this out of my butt half the time. That’s where most people are doing, right? Yeah, exactly. So like, you know, help me out here. You would never do that in anything else.
“you would never go into business with someone nowadays just by saying, Hey, I promise”
Speaker 3: (27:48)
Never gone. I even do this all the way back to the beginning and I, I speak to a lot of people out in the world and in the secular world and people would be like, well, what am I just living together? And I’m like, you would never go into business with someone nowadays just by saying, Hey, I promise. Yeah, it’s gonna all work out. You’d have a contract, you’d make sure that things were in order. Right. You have systems. And that’s the reason when I first started my, when I started my first business, the business of marriage, I did it based on that and going, you know, if Mcdonald’s does certain things to get a certain result, why wouldn’t you do that in your marriage? If you’re having a hard problem with communication, why wouldn’t you create a system? So the sex thing, right? Like we just talked about, that’s a system. That’s a system. My wife and I use a food still to this day. We both went, Huh? What’s fun as food? Okay, well let’s think of food. It makes sense. We understand what fast food is. I can talk about it in front of my kids. I can talk about it in front of anybody. Nobody. That’s what we’re talking about. Hey, we’re going to have some square made a night. Yeah, we’ll probably some gourmet meal tonight.
Speaker 2: (28:42)
Like now the entire, now I’ve done this on enough podcast is up there, but no, and people come to us.
Speaker 3: (28:50)
So this, this day from 12 years ago when I first started talking about that, that people are like, yeah, we still talk about that. But that’s a system, right? We used to have a system. We don’t do it as much anymore, but it was something that it helped my wife understand the importance to me. And of course we’re guys, so it’s always going to go back to sex. But I had this thing where my wife, my wife loves fresh flowers and we were poor and we were, had no money. Um, I would either go pick some or I’d get something like at the Walmart or whatever, and my wife loves fresh flowers. Well, I was, uh, especially when I was first married was a guy’s like, hey, I like having gourmet sex. Whereas there’s some sort of, it’s an event. It’s not just like a, hey, just so we can get it done.
Speaker 3: (29:30)
And I’m like, yeah, I like to see laundry and my wife every once in a while. So we made a system and I said, okay, honey, for every time that I bring you fresh flowers in the month, you know, that at least one this month that’s going to be a gourmet. And she was like, that’s a great system because it’ll be a constant reminder for at least a week that I want to make sure that that happens for you because she wants to, she wants to make me happy too, and I want to make her happy. And so now it’s not me going, hey, here’s flowers, have sex. Right? It’s, here’s the flowers that will remind you of something that I have a need for it to. Um, there’s different systems we have, we have systems and are really well the biggest system that we do, which is something I wish every couple would do more of.
Speaker 3: (30:12)
There’s actually two really big ones. Number one, I, we do a thing called a marriage mastermind. And the marriage mastermind is basically your, uh, you know, business council meeting where you get together and the number one cause of divorce for most couples in this country is money. And the second is communication. And so what I did is I created this, this basically an outline that says, okay, once a month, at a minimum, ideally is once a week, but once a month at a minimum we’re going to get together and just the two of us, no distraction. No kids. We’re not hungry. Uh, we don’t have somewhere else to be. We, uh, haven’t, uh, we’re not overly tired. We have a very specific management meeting with the two of us where we number one go over our schedule schedule was, seemed to be this weird thing where people still to this day, I meet people all the time who don’t sync their calendars and I’m like, how do you not know what your kids are doing or spouses is doing?
Speaker 3: (31:06)
Because when you’re supposed to pick up little Johnny and your spouse thought you were picking up little Johnny and little Johnny is sitting there stuck, somebody is going to get pissed off. Yeah. So seeking calendars, knowing what’s going on, what surprises are happening, what date nights we have for some couples who struggle with it. When you’re going to have sex, there are couples that really should actually schedule their sex, um, date nights versus night out. So I’m a big proponent of there’s a difference between just going out for a movie and it’s an event, right? Like I did something cool like my life following Jim Gaffigan, I got to get tickets ahead of time instead of, hey, is Mcdonald’s, should we be on our way to the movie? Right. Um, so the schedule is first thing, second is security. Like, so this is going to not a tangent, I’ll just let you know.
Speaker 3: (31:51)
So there’s two main motivators and drivers for men and women. And if you look at every study that’s out there, it all boils down to these two things. For Women, it’s security and validation. So security typically and financial, emotional, physical and spiritual. If they can feel secure in those areas, they’re happy. That’s part of their DNA. And the second part is validation. Whatever they choose to be doing at this moment. It support it. Like you get it. So security wise and your marriage mastermind, you need to go through money and you need to talk about money and know how much money you have and don’t have and what bills are coming up and what surprise bills are happening and what are you going to do, what’s the plan ahead of time? Women, especially in the security area, they will support you so much more if they know you have a plan, but if you’re just winging it and they feel like you’re just winging it, that’s going to push every security button. Okay.
Speaker 2: (32:43)
It almost creates anxiety.
Speaker 3: (32:45)
Absolutely. So door to door, right. One of the things that my wife and I would do is we would plan every week we would talk about my goals and how I was going to hit that and what I would need to do to hit the goal. It wasn’t just one thing I did in the, in the uh, meeting with everybody else. Right. My wife was involved with that because then she could support me on that and she could know what has going for it and she can help me out with that. So we had that planning meeting. Um, so you’d go with uh, your security and then next you want to, so schedule is security and then a sandwich, which is the question which everybody avoids, which is how am I doing as a spouse? Like how are you going to know anything in life, right?
Speaker 3: (33:24)
Like unless you ask it, how am I doing? And it’s so hard. Right? So, and the marriage mastermind, the point of that is that’s the trigger. The trigger of that question is if I’m asking you how am I doing as a spouse, it has to be created to where if I asked you that, you know, it’s time to be gentle on me, but I’m asking for reals. Like it’s not time to like throw up. Oh, you suck at this. So you have to start off with what do you always grateful for? You know what you are knocking every day. You’re out there, you’re sweating, you’re, you’re seeing other guys be successful and you’re not. I just appreciate the work that you’re doing. I really, really know that you’re going to take care of us no matter what. And an area where I think that you could work on, it would make me happy if or I would feel loved or you start it instead of you suck at this.
Speaker 3: (34:15)
That’s right. And most people want to support the person they love. Right? If your wife were to come down here right now and say, you know what honey? It really make me feel supported. If or it would make me happy if or it would make me feel loved with supported love, happy. If she started with any one of those, the next thing coming out of mouth, you’re going to go, oh, okay. Like cause now you know, right? Typically it goes to like you never are you always or how come I have to instead of going to the request. And so we create that request and then we ended again with, and I know you’re doing as best as you possibly can or whatever compliment at the end. So you sandwich it. There’s a thing called a verbal sandwich right here. Their breads are the thank you. The middle is what you need, right? The meat. If you can do those things once a month, your marriage will completely dramatically change. Dramatic Change,
Speaker 2: (35:07)
Count, count, count on me to do it. I do it. Will you follow up with me? And I actually had emailed me, I actually have a outline, an outline out that isn’t the agenda. You can sit there and go like, okay, here’s I and just pull a sheet off the wall. I had a guy who had it like in a big poster on his wall. It’s dry erase of that and you have to have that
Speaker 3: (35:33)
In order to keep that in line. And uh, I lost my train thought when I said there’s two things I didn’t really like. Quotation. So there is that, the validation did, did it today, now we were talking about marriage masterminds. So having those things. Oh, okay. So there’s a second thing that is an epidemic and our society that if you can do it will make all the difference as well. Go to bed at the same time as your spouse.
Now, I didn’t say go to sleep at the same time as your spouse because I’m a night owl. I’m somebody who gets a lot of work done between midnight and four in the morning. Right? Sometimes I’m up, especially if I’m writing my book or I think that I do a lot of work at night because I know there’s nobody gonna call me and he’s blowing up my phone as I was like, we’re done with no one’s bugging.
Speaker 3: (36:16)
Oh Man. When I was in Australia and it was like totally a day, I’m like, sweet. So here’s the thing, go to bed with your spouse in the day with your spouse. Talk about your wants and your desires. Talk about, uh, the great things that happened in that day. Uh, however you end your day. My wife and I ended our day with a prayer when I, when I’m and, and what happens is a lot of, I’ll say guys especially, they use the excuse of, Oh, I can’t go to sleep because they’re not trying to go to sleep, number one. And they are making an excuse to go get on the computer as Xbox or whatever it might be. And you don’t, you do not need that for it to go to sleep. I promise you. Yeah. But if you can go to bed with your spouse and your day and give it a couple of minutes, give me like five, 10 minutes just to lay there both in silence and quiet.
Speaker 3: (37:04)
And I, you know, for me, I was joking with my wife when it’s, I hear snoring, I know she’s out. So if I’m still not asleep I can go. But a lot of times I will fall asleep and I don’t actually need to be up. Yeah, you don’t have to stay busy. Unfortunately we do live in a world. It’s no surprise. Right. We have, you know, the guys who will stay up and they are on the computer way too late, just screwing around and it leads to porn or Xbox. I said there’s two motivators for men and women, right? The two motivators for men are to number one feel like the hero, feel like the Superhero feel like they have just conquered the planet for their wife. Right. And if she can make him feel like that he’ll do anything. And number two is to be physically connected or satisfied.
Speaker 3: (37:49)
And for most men, and I’m, I’m using a generality here, but for most men, sex is a form of love. And so to not get that is denying of love. Well in our society guys can sit on Xbox for hours and they can come from the world, they can be the superhero, right? They just won the war, they won the whatever and then they can literally flip a screen and get the sex. Yup. So for any wise that might be listening to this, just know and it’s not excuse and they’re like, I’m not trying to make an excuse for them at all. What I’m saying is there’s an awareness of those two things are one of the major reasons I believe that there is such a problem. So if I know that my wife has two are my women, but my wife has two motivators and I have to motivated as well, that’s not a to work on.
“let them know that you’re trying to help them”
Speaker 3: (38:36)
If I can just focus on those two things, make her feel secure or make her feel validated, make me feel like the superhero. And I ask women this a lot, I’ll say, when was the last time you made him feel like the hero? Yeah. And they’ll sometimes, you know, perspective again. They’ll be like, oh, I mean I tell him all the time that I love them, they’re doing a good job. And so I’ve got to him and I’ll say, I’ll say, I’ll say, when was the last time you felt like the Superhero? Yeah. And I can’t tell you all the time. I get guys who are like, I can’t tag. The last time I felt like superman. It’s crazy. I did it. So I do my job or do I supposed to do. And a lot of times you get shamed for just trying to provide, yeah. Trying to put from me, it’s like cheese, like I’m in trouble for wanting to win. Well, in a part of that though is again, not the planning of it. Like just like I, and I’m playing extreme. Sure. Right. But let her know, hey, I’m doing this because of this and I want you to hit this goals. And I mean, you can throw anybody into anything as long as you let them know that you’re trying to help them get the thing they want. Yeah. Right, exactly. And then it’s like, hey,
Speaker 2: (39:38)
And in return you have to also be advocating they’re two needs validation. Absolutely. Like I get it super hard staying home with the kids all day and
Speaker 3: (39:48)
Versus what’d you do all day? The home still arrest. Oh my God. That’s like my biggest problem. Never say that because there’s something they did all day like this. I look, there’s again, there’s extreme cases, right? Where you’re like, okay, something’s wrong here. But for the most part people want to succeed and win. So if they feel like they’re not and they feel like you’re criticizing that this is the same way, right?
Yep. So criticism is one of those really interesting things because all criticism is, is you’re making a request, you’re just making it really badly. Yeah. So why not just make the request? Yeah. Criticism is a killer because it all zen and brings out this whole like what you’re not and what you don’t. And we already feel there’s not a single person on the planet who doesn’t have some sort of like inferior complex and like, I’m failing and I suck and screwing this up or I’m an imposter or they’re going to figure it out that I really don’t know what I’m doing. Yeah. Like we all have that. And so to get that from the person you love most in the world and the person who like is the only personal world you’re voluntarily getting naked in front of. That’s just kidding. Like you don’t know doctor, I got to know everybody. You know, passionate speakers up there. It’s so true though.
Speaker 2: (41:00)
I think a lot of people, we don’t realize the shame or the pain that it can come by, you know, some of the damage, some criticism or just mistreatment or ignoring or, you know, I, I just think it’s some of the things that I do within, in marriage and relationship and it’s like, it’s hard to even communicate and be clear around. Yeah. She is like, I’m trying.
Speaker 3: (41:21)
Yeah. But here’s the thing and I want you to give yourself, give her breasts a break. Like when were we taught this? Oh, it’s just from a young age, Jimmy’s childhood, we, we see patterns. Right. And either typically and most patterns, whether it be money, whether it be business, whether it be relationships, we either repeat the same pattern or we completely go against it. Yeah. And we weren’t taught how to build a relationships. I, I usually say this from stage, I talk up the reason why I focused on relationships so much, why I have that, you know, the relationship expert below my name is because I know that everything I’ve ever received up until this moment. So this interview has been due to our relationship I built. Yep. And then one way or another, right? Yep. And I know that everything that will ever receive from here on out is due to our relationship. I will build. So we talk about how to say things and what to say. We talk about I, you know, I teach on bilingual communication, I’ll stuff, but the most important thing I can do is learn how to strengthen my relationships, number one of myself and then next with the people closest to me. So we don’t get that though. Like we go to all the years of schooling college, I’ll that. No, it does that. And why not? That’s the most important thing in the world. So
Speaker 2: (42:34)
No I, I mean she lets end on that note. I mean it’s so true though. Like there’s no book on it. There’s no, I mean there’s millions of books on it, but it’s, there was no programming from a young age that was like, I’m intentional aware of how I affected, we deal with relationships and I think that’s been one of my biggest struggles. I look back at friends, family members, my own siblings, like I struggle with relationship wise and I think almost if like just said, well I’m just not good at relationships. You know what I mean? And, and I’ve almost like, you know, become depressed around, give up on it. It’s like, it’s like, well I’m good at certain things and I’ll get the spotlight for that. Yeah, I’m not going to these things and I accept it. But versus like, Jeez, like why don’t I intentionally find the roadmap and reprogram myself to take a little bit more proactiveness around, well that’s as powerful there. Happiness,
Speaker 3: (43:25)
it can be reprogrammed. It can, it can. And what’s so cool and it is, I love looking a lot of neuroscience stuff like change your brain, change your life, doctor Ayman and stuff like that. You can completely reprogram your brain. You can change your habits. Have you know, if you read or do you guys have suggested the power of habit by Charles Duhigg, brilliant book. Write such great data about, it’s the micro habit that creates the decision making. Like, Gosh, like you can reprogram it. So we’ll close. This has been great.
Speaker 2: (43:54)
Thank you so much. Yeah. Thanks so much for being on the show. Super excited. Obviously. Hear from me more at door Orrcon.
Speaker 3: (43:59)
Yeah, yeah. Um, yeah. Appreciate it. Yeah, we’ll have fun. Thank you